By Lauren Alicia
I’m not damaged goods, even if I come from something that is broken.
I’m talking about the hope that was restored after the two people that made it possible for me to exist went their separate ways and only met in the middle for my sake.
Have you ever thought about the realness of parents divorcing, thinking they’re getting away from the spouse that drove them to madness and/or anger, but forgetting that their child’s DNA is forever? Our faces remind them of the one they left or who left them, genetic expressions pushing memories they work hard to forget or replace, characteristics and personality exhibiting the reasons our parents thought they would be together forever. For me, it was seeing them in each other.
My parents’ love grew tired. Their marriage broke. My DNA didn’t. My normal ripped apart into mosaic pieces.
Love is now molding me back together.
Love is the reason I would rather love beyond damage. Heal with no boundaries; as in tell the truth about everything (yes, everything), so that I don’t fail to see what the mosaic pieces are creating and rebuilding.
We often search to be filled when we don’t heal properly. With divorce, the relationship I thought would be forever, the bond that I never imagined breaking got cut short. At times I felt cheated. I wanted the feeling of security back. As my desire for that feeling to be filled increased, I had to acknowledge that the security my parents gave together could not be replaced only upgraded when I chose to create it and let it breathe on its own.
Love beyond damage is loving without looking for someone to give the love you feel like you’ve been cheated from. It is not searching for something in someone that they are not built to give. My parents showed me what it’s like to be loved. They provided the path of which I would learn to know how to love myself.
After my parents’ divorce, I recognized the importance of self-love, rather than trying to replace their love. Self-love creates or allows what is already there to breathe, not be replaced. Self-love knows your worth without needing affirmation or confirmation from someone else. Self-love connects self with love when what is outside appears to be lacking the security and comfort you thought you knew.
When we recognize self-love:
- We don’t look for our worth in a person because we’ll only find that we’re looking for self-love beyond self.
- We don’t make anyone love us in the way another did/does. A mother’s love can’t be replaced with another woman (not mother figure) just as a father’s love can’t be replaced with another man (not father figure).
- The person we choose to love will create love with us, not be expected to fill the love we’ve been longing for from a certain person of the past or present.
- The security our parents gave us, even if it seems like it was cut short, will not attempt to be replaced because lets spell it out, we do not want a mate to give us what our parents gave us or should have given us. Or maybe that’s just me not wanting to be part of any daddy-issues when dating (I’m not judging, just saying…). I think sometimes we long for something so bad that we forget who we wanted it from, and why we wanted it from them, and settle for who ever appears to have it.
- We love beyond damage, not merely through damage. Loving through damage refuses to be healed and searches outwardly for something that already exists within.
Confront. Cope. Learn. Decide. Apply. That’s what I had to do.
Don’t look to replace your love when it has been damaged. Allow your self-love to be upgraded and added on to with the love of another (friend, mate, your child, etc.). Don’t fail to see the beautiful work your mosaic is creating. Take time to heal and understand that we are not damaged goods, even if we come from something that is broken. We are able to love beyond damage. Neglect the temptation to love through damage.
You are too worthy and deserving to attempt to replace in a place designed to create. Hate and pain started this journey for me, but healing and wisdom rebuilt its path. This is my experience. My journey.
Michigan native Lauren Alicia is the author of “Dear Divorce, Thank You (Even Though I Hate You) Sincerely, My Parents’ Grown Kid: A Journey Of Hate, Healing And Understanding.” Alicia is a Parsons the New School for Design graduate, business/design enthusiast, blogger and collaborator. Visit her at www.DearDivorceThankYou.com & www.GYC-GirlYOUCrazy.com.
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