By LaTisha Conto
I recently went in for my annual gynecological exam. What follows is the transcript of that visit. I have not in anyway created any dialogue (though I wish I could take credit) and I swear on the lives of my three cats this is how it happened:
Let’s set the mood shall we: Normal doctor’s office, exam table, white walls with smudges.
Just a little note – of course I can’t resist the urge to be an asshole so all of my asshole thoughts are put into italics. Got it? Great. Here we go.
We’ll call the scene: The Hidden Cost of Obamacare is My Dignity. Or… how vaginas are like shirts. Or… My Gyneco-Illogical Exam.
Me, sitting on the examination table in only my shirt and a really thin – and of course ripped to shreds the moment I unfolded it – paper gown over my legs.
Dr. Kim, a 50ish Asian lady enters the room with my chart and sits down at her desk/sink.
Dr. Kim: Hello LaTisha, I’m Dr. Kim. How are you?
LaTisha: I’m okay.
Dr. Kim: Are you divorced?
LaTisha: No. That’s her opener?
Dr. Kim: Are you sexually active?
(She turns to me, surprised)
Dr. Kim: Are you a virgin?
Dr. Kim: Why aren’t you sexually active?
LaTisha: I’m going through a break up.
Dr. Kim: How old are you?
Dr. Kim: How long were you and your boyfriend together?
LaTisha: 5 years.
Dr. Kim: Yep. That explains it. One more and then that’s it.
LaTisha: One more what?
Dr. Kim: One more relationship. I have patients like you. They have a relationship with a guy, and they sleep with him. It’s like shirts. He buys a shirt and he likes to wear it for a little while. And then after some time he doesn’t want to wear it anymore and he throws it out. My advice, and I’m being serious now, is to keep your legs closed until he proposes. You’re in your late summer. 0 to 20 is spring. 20 to 40 is Summer. 40 to 60 is Fall – I’m in my late Fall. And 60-80 is winter. You need to think about that. Lay down.
(I comply, she starts my breast exam)
Dr. Kim: Are you a Christian?
Dr. Kim: Why not? Have you ever been given the gospel?
LaTisha: Not ever while somebody had their hand on my breast. Oh, yes. I’m familiar with the gospel. I went to Lutheran school for some time.
(Hand still on my breast)
Dr. Kim: Oh, that’s it. In my experience Lutheran and Catholics don’t teach right and that’s why their followers leave the congregation. Why aren’t you a Christian? Put your legs in the stirrups.
LaTisha: I don’t believe.
Dr. Kim: (shock) You don’t believe.
LaTisha: I do not.
(Vaginal exam time! – I can no longer see her, but I can hear her.)
Dr. Kim: I had a patient like you. She was 39, had a break up and then went into another relationship that lasted 5 years. No proposal. I tried to set her up with a physician friend and he said she was too old because she couldn’t make babies. She’s done. You don’t want to end like her.
LaTisha: I don’t want babies.
(She pops up; more shocked then when I told her I don’t believe in her pal Jesus)
Dr. Kim: (high pitch voice) No Babies? Why don’t you want babies?
LaTisha: Not interested.
Dr. Kim: But it must be hard to find a man who doesn’t want babies.
LaTisha: I guess.
Dr. Kim: You can sit up now. Exam over.
I don’t believe her
Dr. Kim: How you gonna find a man who don’t want babies?
LaTisha: Well, if I can just wait until my Fall I can probably snag an early winter – empty nester right?
Dr. Kim: What do you do?
LaTisha: I’m a writer.
Dr. Kim: Listen to me! Writers are sick individuals.
Perhaps she didn’t hear me before
Dr. Kim: I watched this show about people who were told to kill someone to save their loved one. A sick individual wrote that.
Probably best if I don’t share what I’m working on at the moment
Dr. Kim: Okay, you’re done. I’ll see you next year.
You bet she will. I can’t wait for her shock when I’m 35 and still unmarried, childless and closer to my Fall.
LaTisha Conto is a native of Los Angeles. She is a writer and filmmaker. You can read and watch all that she creates at Latishaconto.com. She has three cats. Yes, this is what the crazy cat lady looks like when she’s a young woman. You can also follow her on Twitter. This blog post was reprinted with permission and originally appeared on LaTisha’s website.